The Seriously Warped Mind of One Pregnant Lady

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To some people...or a lot of people if I'm being honest are going to find this post completely insane.  I recognize that, but I feel like I need to write this out to get it out of my head.  And I'm just being honest here, so don't be too hard on me, k?
When I was pregnant with Trent, I pretty much (most of the time) ate what I wanted.  I exercised sporadically and really let loose.  My doctor's appointments were always picture perfect, so I felt like I did okay.  I honestly don't really know how much I gained because I stopped getting on the scale at the end.  Horrible?  Probably.  But I really didn't want to know.  Let's just say it was probably 40-45 pounds.  Result?  I delivered an 8 1/2 pound baby and lost all but 10 pounds before getting pregnant again.
Eek.  40+ pounds heavier the day we had Trent.
I vowed I would do better with this pregnancy - especially given I am starting out a little heavier.  I don't want to take the picture above and ADD 10 pounds to it.  No thank you.

And I feel like I am doing better.  I am consistently exercising an average of 3 times a week, and doing hard stuff too - body pump and body combat and still running.  I feel great!  During the week I eat healthy.  I do tend to slide on the weekend, but hey, there has to be a little fun in knowing you're going to gain weight anyway.

But then the craziness creeps in.  I weigh myself daily and get so mad at how quickly the numbers are climbing.  I constantly war with myself over not caring as long as I have a healthy baby.  And then I think of the above picture.  Or this one...


Due date w/ Trent...picture above is 3 days later.  I am GINORMOUS.
I don't want to lose all but another 10 pounds because then I'm 20 pounds over my pre-children weight.  But that da*n scale keeps climbing.

I don't want to stress over it either because the end goal is to have a healthy baby.  And I KNOW that.  I swear I do.  I am so lucky and thankful to be pregnant when I have so many friends who have in the past (or currently) struggled to get pregnant.

I have always compared myself to my sister.  My parents NEVER did.  But I always do.  And she always gains less and has smaller babies.  Why does that bother me?  Don't know...but it does.

My mind is a constant battle of beating myself up and then telling myself to relax.

See?  I'm totally warped.  I had really hoped to end at roughly the same spot I ended with Trent, essentially gaining a more normal 30-35 pounds...but that is seeming a harder and harder task to accomplish.  And I just constantly spin numbers in my head of 'Well, if I am at this now and am really, really good, I can hopefully keep my gain to XX by Halloween, and then YY by Thanksgiving.'  Who does that?

I'm hoping that by typing this all out, I can let go of some of it.  And just focus on what I know should be my goal - eat as best as I can (and enjoy a little bit of the weight gain) and keep exercising so I can have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  Is anyone else this crazy?